a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
