I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In America we eat man semen.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
