Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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