Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
