there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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