vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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