He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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