I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Two words: blizzard sex
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
