I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
