There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
