I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
