Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
