just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
