Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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