A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
