so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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