I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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