Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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