This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it was like eating out sand paper
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
