u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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