Im at strip club and am horny
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
