We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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