Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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