We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
