I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
