I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
