We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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