you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
