You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
