i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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