mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
