I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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