Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Dicks are not precious.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
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