Pappa wants mamma naked
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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