i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
