You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
