How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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