FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
