Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
