Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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