your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
