so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
