planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
