I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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