even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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