I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
