i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
