1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
