There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have so many feelings about this burrito
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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