Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
